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To love again or not

To love again or not

To love again or not…

Well, ideally I would love to fall in love with someone that takes my heart away once more as I have had in the past.

I have had my heart lured out into the open and hunted to its demise so I’d like to avoid it completely, however not all the women are the same and there are ones who will truly love me for who I really am.

There is only hate towards the women that have been in my life in the past as love’s and wive and as my preferred people for admiration.

They will not change their ways and I don’t want them, I want them to be truthful and give me closure although I doubt I’ll get it anytime soon or in any of my lifetimes in the future.

The 1st woman I remember in all of my existence is my mother who has raised me from childhood and she too has shown me her darker side. When she told me that I had come and taken away all of her happiness after that was my 1st suicide attempt.

She didn’t know what I had done, it didn’t matter out of sheer grief and blinding sorrow I drank some toilet bleach, well what did you expect I was only 13/14 and I wasn’t thinking.

My mother has been looking after me ever since I consumed a large number of Painkillers in a proper attempt to end my life.

I think she said what she said is because ever since she married my father she has had a horrible life. The wedding was not her choice she was given to my father because women back in the days were seen as a burden on the Tamil households because of the amount of Dowry that had to be paid for the groom. And she was one of 4 women and one of 9 children so far three has already passed away, one died after birth(boy), one was disabled (boy bedridden) and the latest one died in the 2009 war against the Sri Lankan Troops and the LTTE, no he was not a fighter although all his three daughters were. He died of heartache from disappointment from his daughters, because they choose their own life to what is still a taboo in some of the community in South Asia, Caste.

You are the sum of all of the choices that you have made through-out all of your lifetimes or better put is this is all because of your karma.

So My Karma must be extremely shit I must’ve just fucked with their hearts and left them without anything or something along that line or perhaps I’m the target of a heinous group South Asians. If my karma is shit and them doing this will give them bad karma in another lifetime, unless either one side forgives the other and or breaks the cycle of betrayal or use and abuse.

Yes I am aware that women and men and other sexes can make up what they believe in and also what they do with their lives is their choice but your freedom only goes as far as not affecting another person’s freedom.

So yeah I will find someone that does not have ulterior motives and can take me my soul on an adventure within our lives and hopefully get married and have children and then with enough savings go home back to Tamil Eelam or even Sri Lanka that has not been sold to the Chinese Gov or have not been robbed and sold in parts for money by the politicians.

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