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Stress Relief

Stress Relief

I have a very stressful life because it involves my three jobs, being a psychosis induced scitzeprenic sufferer, in the process of getting a divorce, trying to get enough money to pay for mortgage, trying to pay off a loan that spent on nothing and paying a sort of community fund called seettu and trying to have social life and in amongst all this i have to deal with the reality of a scumbag of a father who’s an alcoholic. And to make this all worse i have no form of stress relief that I can blow off steam to help release all the tension, worries, fear and the impending doom and gloom the people of Tamil Eelam are facing in the hands of the very organized group of people from the north of the border and to the south of the country(Sri Lanka).

I have three jobs and they all are organized so well that none of them overlap into another time and so I can do all of them and if I’m not procrastinating at home of playing a game on the mobile phone, it’s mostly Pokemon Go and now today i have just discovered a game by the same company, called wizards unite it’s based on harry potter, if I’m not doing either of these things on a weekday them I’m sleeping between jobs that are after the one hour commute from and one hour back from my job in the morning, it’s this time on the bus that I play these games I don’t go out to play it purposefully.

Job one involves me being a cashier at a petrol garage in the southern part of the city and it’s neatly and conveniently nestled in between four schools and a church and it’s competing well against others there, I spend an average of 16-20 hours each week there and I get paid on time unlike job two where the boss only pays when he wants to and only half or parts of the wages at a time. And the pay is weekly so that I can manage my finances well or I can ask them when I need to but I always gate paid on a Wednesday and they usually pay me at least 50pence more than others it’s because I get the bus and I’m there whenever they need me and unlike the others who work there I’m only there for two hours in four of the five days I work and the fifth day I work from 8 to 3 pm or 5 pm and on other days I’m finished by 10 in the morning, sometimes I asked to cover others.

Job two involves another petrol garage however only work on a Sunday and I start at 6 am after finishing my main job at 11pm the night before so I only get 4-5 hours at most of the sleep time and this is the job where I’m alone in the morning for two hours and between that time there are at least one theft or a drive off (making off without paying for their fuel)from the forecourt, unlike most countries where you have to pay before you get your fuel in the UK we have no system like that, not that I have ever heard off. The last guy I worked for at this garage didn’t give me any of my payslips whenever anyone of us asked for it he would say he’s busy and that he’ll do it later and eventually 18 months to two years have passed and his time came to an end, no he didn’t die but had been relieved of his position by the company that he was operating on behalf. And I only got one or two payslips at the end of his run, and to make things worse he didn’t pay us for 45 days and that was in October 2018 and the main company that we were hired by had to pay us and they only paid us in March and think about this if you had kids and rent to pay not to mention food bill and other necessities to pay for they pretty much fucked for a month or two. Also he didn’t pay me for the 1st two months and I had to ask for it to be payed, I didn’t know this because I didn’t check my bank account, because I had some of my other pay going in so I was fine but when I asked for it to be transferred he had a fucking attitude and a said why do you need money, well I was not volunteering my services for free. And the second guy who took over is also kinda same, by contract we are supposed to get the wages on every 15th of any month and if it falls on a weekend then it should be paid before and it’s been 8 days later I only got 100 so far out of i don’t know, oh and the last guy was supposed to pay holiday pay but he took it all on our behalf. Oh, I intend to quit this job when the community fund, I pay into finishes next year sometime in June or hopefully earlier. On a positive note, I have met one man with an entrepreneur mindset and he’s very inspiring to me.

Job three, is where I pull cages and stack shelves in the local supermarket and it’s only 5 minutes away from my house and I have met people that are sort of a relief and pain in the ass. One of the supervisors is a complete prick and can’t even pee in a bucket if given one let alone run a store of that size and that person is so aggravating and they also demoralising to everyone whenever they are on shift and just because they are on shift everyone goes ever so slowly and unlike the other team leader who is trained this is person is not, they initially applied to be on checkouts but got the big stick instead and now they don’t know what they want to with it but are just going with it. I for one don’t like to be told to do anything I but i don’t they know that so every day once I have done my trolly they tell me  to do another trolly, yes I know it’s part of their job however they show favouritism towards another colleague and are giving him hours and cutting other peoples hours when the store spends some money over the budget and so they cut our hours and they do this by sending colleagues home early and giving them/making them take their holiday when they don’t want to and if you refuse they book it for you and tell you that it’s been booked and also they have been underpaying staff, i haven’t checked my payslip yet but I will, hopefully, my wages are fine.
My psychosis induced scitzeprenia has affected me, i didn’t know about it, since I was ten and it was in Switzerland and in particular when I was playing with my 1st and only ever baby sitter outside our apartment and when I looked at her i didn’t see her I saw someone else within her but at that time i didn’t know what that was. I was busy playing with the snow and chasing her on a cycle(we were playing chase) and eventually i caught her and the rest is a blank slate. And when we moved(immigrated) to the UK I saw that face again and it was the cause of my humiliation in year seven, I only knew of it 5 years later and when the mind started to expand into all sorts of creativeness and this time that person was in my dreams and thoughts soo many times than I was comfortable with and eventually I wanted to leave these thoughts and so I wanted to travel to my extended family who is living outside of the country and so I went to other countries and I kept on thinking that person is following me and this led to my mind going deeper into the rabbit hole and I ended up trying to commit suicide just after going in search of answers and coming back home and on my way I thought to my self that I had been stripped of all my clothes when I went and knocked on that door in the south of the city. I knew something was missing with me so i wasn’t thinking about anything or anyone when I took an overdose of painkillers and to my fortunate luck my mother followed me and saw me with empty packets of tablet boxes and I was rushed to the hospital. And I have been getting the same persons and a lot of other peoples faces in my dreams where they control my thoughts and actions well into the future of my other lifetimes and because of this, I keep trying to kill myself. If I can save at least one of life without the influence of their presence then at least I can live peacefully at least once, once that’s all I ask, happiness just once.

The divorce, I married a girl from Sri Lankan capital Colombo, she was working in a hospital when I saw her and when I did see her she was a treat to the eyes and senses, and like all things that are good for the look they are bad for everything else so is this one. When I found out that she was six years younger I gave up on the prospect of marrying her because I was 26 and she was 20 and I left the country without getting any phone numbers or e-mail address or even a photograph of her. Eventually two years I got a mysterious message from her sister who introduced herself as a Tamil person and started to chat about my trip two years earlier and that if I was still interested in her sister and she sent a picture of her to my FB and then 1 and six months later my mother had asked me if wanted to marry her and i wasn’t sure but I saw a bright future with her beside me and I have been in love with someone else before where the mother asked me to marry her and a couple of years later when I was working I saw that girl with someone else and I was shocked and i didn’t want this to be the same as that where I dream forward and then they would come and rip it apart from my heart. So was ready to move on from the past and start-a-new and I had a bad social standing where I get accused of being jealous more often than I like, once I was but not anymore, at the moment i couldn’t give rats ass who you fuck as long as you leave me alone to my ends. And a week before the wedding I flew to SL with paps and stayed at a house and then we did the wedding thing and off we went with the family( unfortunately it was still risky to travel alone in the south because I was Tamil) and we would stay in hotels for a week and have a look around. Yes we had sex on the 1st-night together and it wasn’t that great( not complaining about this but she was not a virgin, it does not matter who you sleep with I’m all for women’s equality but don’t lie to me when I’m right there in front of you about losing it to me) she faked it like a virgin for the rest of the night and she didn’t seem to enjoy the intimacy when we were having intercourse. And when my family left me with her and came back to the UK we were left at the hotel for a couple of days and she was in her zone she knew what she was doing(sexually) later we moved into her parent’s house for the duration I was with her she seemed to walk around half-naked around the house to go to have a shower and I was kinda shocked but later I kinda accepted that she was comfortable in her own skin and that she was in her zone and I was happy that she was. When I left the country she accompanied me to the airport and she showed me she cared to some extent and kissed me all I felt was just lips and flesh no emotion. And when it came to sponsoring her to the UK to live with me i did soo many dodgy things I can’t say here and all she had to do was take the English test and to send the results to me and it took her two years to do that and when we got all things ready she dropped out of the radar for a month and I was so fed up I begged on the phone leaving crying messages and begging messages asking her to reply and I got tired and when she did reply i wasn’t in the mood I had given up hope and when I did try and salvage it a two month later all she did was disrespect my mother and said that she won’t come to the UK and so I suggested that if she wants a divorce I would be inclined to give it to her with more than just happiness I was so happy that after tormenting me for a four-month period she was going out of my life. But it wasn’t going to be that easy every time we sent the summon to the court hearing they rejected it and then she would come and scream at me saying when she was going to get the Fucking Divorce. The best thing about this is the Psychopath is not in this Country. It’s still ongoing I’ll keep you posted.

The Mortgage is something we all have to go and get eventually unless you don’t want to own but just rent a house or an apartment, or you are seriously wealthy that you can buy with ready cash or your Mommy and Daddy or in some cases your sugar daddy or sugar mummy can pay for it or you have large inheritance waiting for you when you mature. I can’t afford a mortgage on my own and my mother is helping along with my sisters and all I have to do is when the finish the building of the apartment and we pay the remainder of the deposit to bank for the Mortgage loan we will have to pay somewhere between 850 a month to 900 a month for the next 17 years whether you live in it or not, this apartment is for us to live in otherwise it be complicated in that area it’s built for people who live and work in the city and it can’t be rented to anyone. So I have been part-taking in this community fund called Seettu(most south Asian community are aware of these type of funds) and all you have to do is join a person who is trusted to collect from some participants a set amount of money it is collected each month or week depending on the affordability of the participants and then each month or week the money is distributed to a person at random or by asking member, there are rules the collector always gets the 1st amount and then it is offered to others who want it if you get chosen and you don’t ask then there is no deduction. The deduction exists for the purpose of control who asks and it’s best if you ask at the end or don’t ask at all until it finishes.
E.g. if the individual amount is 100 and there are 10 people the total amount paid to the collector is 1000 and then the second person when asking might say reduce the individual fee to 99.50 and the next person might say 98.00 so the lowest person who asks gets it. Did you understand it if not then i don’t know how to explain it further?

The community fund I’m contributing to is half and half, I pay half and my cousin pays half and we both pay an equal amount towards it. So I have to find the money for that somehow.

The loan I got in 2015 and it finishes in 2020 December and hopefully by then I’ll be 360 better off, i don’t exactly know what I did with the money but I do know that it was not my 1st time taking out a loan to do jack shit all because the voice in my head led me to this shit. If I was able to I would have invested it in the property partner website and all of that money would have given me a total return of somewhere in the areas 200 pounds or so every month not to mention the value of the property increasing to newfound heights.

 

MY social life is nonexistent so let’s leave it at that.

My fat father who is an alcoholic and has been drinking and smoking for the last 40 years plus in his life he’s sixty or so, I’m not sure if it’s this year or if it’s gone. Since he hits my mother whenever he gets pissed too much and to make things worse he hits my sisters as well and they on many occasions called the police and mother just simply tell them not to testify to the police about his brutality towards her and my sister, because he hit the last child in the family she rarely comes to the house whenever he’s in she just drops her child off and watches if her child comes into the house and off she goes to work. We and others in our extended family have told her and have been telling her to get a divorce from him and move away but she refuses altogether but continues to suffer and makes us suffer with her, moron. and to make things worse the only reason we moved here is so that we would get away from him and his affair in swiss and he followed us here and for the last 22 years its been hell. If i didn’t have those dreams of the future and other lifetimes to see and have some sort of hope then I would be hopeless and have mess of a life, like it is now but I would be sectioned in a mental asylum he makes the things go bad every day, he makes me want to run away, to which I have tried after fight with him on three occasions when I was 15,16,  and 18. And I would not blame anyone for my loss of education except my parents. Because there was a time when I was all into studying but, this reason is the only thing that makes me think that I’m adopted, my mother seeing this disturbed me and made watch tv and all my concentration was in it and I have not been able to get that back. But both the female children have degrees and have a successful career and have lives to live.

But who cares about careers and money it’s all about helping those that need it and making a difference to the world at least to the community you’re from and I have been trying to that for a couple of years but I have seen little success in my effort, with limited finance my help can only reach a few people back home. I sent money to four people affected by war and famine in my home country, I say home country even though I’m a UK citizen it’s because I have always felt like an outsider here I don’t fit in whenever there is stress that’s boiling over me I look back and think of the difference I can make to others if I can keep sending money and helping little by little and eventually we all benefit from this, well i feel better and I know somewhere out there someone’s life is looking up because of my little amount so that my Stress Relief.

Oh the Indians are helping the SL gov to erase the last 2000 years of history of Tamils by denying that they were the original inhabitants and helping the Indians that were deported like the convicts to Australia during colonial times to take over the island with Buddha vihares where there wasn’t originally there. Also if you look closely at the northern provinces you’ll see that it had the highest number of armed personnel and police than any other and all others put together.

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